Communicate Better About Communication

Up Front: Feedback about communication is some of the most important feedback you’ll ever give because communication is infrastructure. Make it stick by setting aside dedicated time to talk, focusing on specific behaviors, and modeling the behavior you want to see.

Recently, while belaying at the climbing gym, I overheard another pair of climbers debriefing an argument one of them had with his girlfriend the night before. 

It started as a fight about toiletries.  More specifically, it started as a fight about shampoo.  And more specifically yet, it started as a fight about how disagreeable each partner found the smell of the other person’s shampoo and – while they were at it – all the ways each had sacrificed their own shampoo needs to protect the other’s sensibilities.

Fine.  I’m married.  I get it.  And if you’ve ever lived with another adult for more than ten minutes, you probably get it, too.

You probably also get what happened next. 

The fight stopped being about shampoo and started being about many other things.  It then derailed completely where a lot of fights do, when one person made a comment about the other’s communication style and the other responded in kind. 

The shampoo problem was all but forgotten, though it was definitely not solved.  Hours later, when the conversation finally ended, it was only because everyone was too tired to continue it.  And the secondary argument, about communication, seemed more damaging than the first.

In principle, communication about communication is a good idea. 

In practice, how we actually conduct these conversations matters a lot. 

Although my practice focuses on organizational communication strategy rather than the kind of intervention that might benefit this couple, I believe there are many lessons that leaders and organizations can derive from their squabble.

Communication is personal infrastructure

Communication is essential infrastructure for anything – whether a relationship or an organization – that involves more than one person trying to get something done.  Like physical infrastructure, it needs inspection, maintenance, and improvement as circumstances change. 

Communication infrastructure, though, is far more personal.  You probably have much stronger feelings about your team’s communication habits than you do about the HVAC in your office.  And unless someone on your team installed the HVAC, they’re likely to be far more defensive about their preferences for communication than their preferences for temperature.  So these conversations need to be handled with care and intention. 

I’ve written elsewhere about the importance of leaders giving communication feedback, especially when they can catch people on their teams communicating well.  All the guidance I share below applies in those contexts too.  But it’s especially important in situations when you need to give feedback that asks for behavior change.  If you’d prefer to avoid provoking an office version of the shampoo argument, these approaches can help.

Make it a dedicated conversation about communication

In situations where people are exchanging a lot of information – whether it’s a fight about shampoo or a meeting about a complex project – it can be hard for listeners to know what to prioritize and how to act on those priorities.  For example, at the end of the shampoo argument, it was unclear to both people whether the next step was to explore different shampoo, different approaches to communication, or a different partner altogether.

Communication is really important.  If something about your team’s communication needs to change, find time to focus only on this.

Choose your moment

As with all feedback conversations, timing matters.  But there is some nuance here, and if you need to have a discussion about communication, you’ll have to find a balance between too soon and too late.

If you’re in the middle of another conversation, and especially if that conversation is emotionally charged, that’s too soon.  If the person starts doing the thing that you want them to change, you might be tempted to bring it up in the moment. But an approach that begins with “See?  That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” is likely to backfire. When you experience a communication problem you need to address, make a mental note, stay focused on the task at hand, and come back to it later. 

On the other hand, too late for this conversation is when there’s nothing the other person can do to change the outcome. If the couple we met at the beginning chose the moment when one of them was packing their boxes and moving out, that’s too late to talk about where their communication went wrong. At work, a too-late context would be something like a year-end performance review. 

Focus on communication behaviors, not communication styles

People can adapt their communication behaviors to specific contexts, but asking someone to change their communication style is akin to asking them to change their personality.

For example, I’m a high-context communicator.  If you ask me a question, my inclination is to give you a lot of information about how I’m going to answer the question, and why, before I actually answer the question.  As an audience, I want to know everything that might be relevant.  I like detail.  I read footnotes.  Hence: I was riveted by the shampoo story. 

In some cases, being high-context helps.  It makes me a good and patient listener, and I catch nuances that others might miss.  But it serves me less well in circumstances where people prize efficiency or just need top-line information.  So I’ve learned to adapt. In those circumstances, I offer shorter, more focused messages.  I can do this, but it feels weird and unnatural; my behavior has changed but my underlying style hasn’t. 

So, when you’re giving feedback about communication, keep it actionable by focusing on specific actions the other person can take, rather than asking them to change their whole approach.

Be specific

Ground your feedback in nouns and verbs, rather than adjectives and adverbs.  They’re clearer and less likely to invite an argument.

Let’s say you think someone on your team needs to communicate more “professionally.”  But your definition of “professional” might not match theirs.  Most people believe they behave “professionally” at work, including the person you think needs to make their communication more “professional.”

If part of your definition of “professional” communication involves responding promptly to messages, focus your feedback on that specific action.  A person who takes longer to respond to messages might think they are being professional by staying focused on the other task they were completing when a message arrived.   

Give guidance, not a script

Telling someone exactly what to say is a recipe for superficial learning at best and malicious compliance at worst.  Instead, clarify expectations and invite the other person to reflect on ways to meet them. 

One exception: highly-regulated situations when organizations have very specific language that people must use or avoid.  In that case, frame the instruction as an organization-wide requirement that applies to everyone. 

Advocate for an imagined listener

If you’re asking the other person to change their communication behavior because of how it affects you, say so. 

But often, leaders need to give communication feedback because of how someone’s communication is affecting another party like a client, customer, or executive.  If that’s the case, you can use that third party’s perspective to frame your feedback. 

This takes some of the strain off your individual relationship.  It can also signal that you are offering feedback not to criticize but to help the other person be successful with a key audience.

Model the behavior you want to see

Returning one final time to the shampoo argument, I noticed a funny little dynamic: each of them was communicating poorly about the other person’s poor communication.

When you’re in a position to give feedback, it’s absolutely crucial that you follow your own advice and are visible about doing so. If you are concerned that the other person’s habit of checking their phone during client meetings is undermining client relationships, keep your phone out of reach and out of sight during the feedback conversation.  If the other person perceives hypocrisy or double standards, it’s much easier for them to discount what you’re saying. 

Remember that communication feedback can be hard to hear

Think about the last time someone gave you feedback on your communication.  If you’re anything like me, your first reaction was probably to defend your actions.  This is a common response to all kinds of feedback, and especially communication feedback, because communication feels so personal and central to our identities. 

When you’re giving feedback, inviting the other person to ask questions or share their thoughts can help keep the conversation collaborative.  But if they’re not ready to do that in the moment, set a time to follow up, and keep that appointment.